Today, I am proud to announce that I, a 40-year-old trampoline jumping Goddess, have been ushered into the elite club of the intrepid adventurers who have gone down the local water park’s Fastball, a six-story, S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T D.O.W.N slide, at a smooth 38 miles per hour. Although the drop was brief at five seconds, I felt like I was moving in slow motion in a major picture film as I fell and sputtered my way out of the trough at the bottom, the music to Chariots of Fire playing loudly and inspirationally in the background.
Out of breath from the intensity of the whole experience, I decided to take a quick break from the slides to indulge in some hot, just out of the oil, French fries in a paper boat from the concessions stand. I don’t know what it is about the water that makes me ravenous, just wanting all kinds of greasy foods. After I have been in the pool, all I can think is FRENCH FRIES. CHEESE BURGERS. FISH & CHIPS. HUGE PRETZELS DOUSED IN SALT. NACHOS DRENCHED IN CHEESE-LIKE PRODUCT. I want to completely abandon my vegetarian, farmers’ market, organic ways. I simply cannot understand it or wrap my mind around why I do this very much in the same way I have trouble understanding the concept of Dippin’ Dots, which really have nothing to do with dipping anything into anything. Although they do pair perfectly with hot French fries, a bouquet of bliss, after water adventures.
Anyway, I have yet to locate that ladder for my dodge ball/trampoline-jumping-from -ladder routine and my hamstring is not at 100% yet, although it is at 87.36%, down from yesterday’s 91.28% (perhaps the water slides have something to do with it?), but I still have pearls of wisdom to offer the wonderful cyberspace community of 40-year-old trampoline-jumping women.
DO allow yourself to be ushered into the elite club of the intrepid adventurers who have gone down the local water park’s Fastball, a six-story, S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T D.O.W.N slide, experiencing the five second drop in slow motion as though in a major picture film as the music to Chariots of Fire plays loudly and inspirationally in the background.
DON’T feel the need to wear your glasses. Not being able to see can either, one, add to the goose-pimply thrill as you encounter the unexpected dips, turns, and drops of the slides, or two, aid in your denial if you really don’t want to see the unexpected dips, turns, and drops of the slides.
DO strongly anchor yourself, leaning forward deliberately as you drop down so not to have your head thrown back onto that slide that has the potential to concuss as much as the salon grade hair dryers that hang dangerously low from your favorite hair salon’s ceiling, both having the potential of leaving big bumps on your head.
DON’T be surprised that grasshoppers bite.
DO be sure to periodically visit your trampoline even if you are not ready to cartwheel/front-aerial-somersault/cross-legged/lift/jump/twirl/cartwheel/back-somersault-to-a-stand/hands-raised/then-deep-bow-at-the-waist. Sitting on the trampoline…or even laying on it for stargazing reminds yourself of your inner trampoline artist.
And finally, DON’T forget to once again revisit the tips and schema offered in previous trampoline posts. You can access with ease this important information on the right side of The Moth in the category of “trampoline jumping for 40-year-old women.”
So please! Continue to prevail as I hunt down those ladders and dodgeballs for future Trampoline Jumping for 40-Year-Old Women, Instructional Video series. Onward and upward…unless you are heading down those slides…
GL, 8/24/2010. Prevail.