Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Trampoline Jumping for 40-Year-Old-Women, Putting Chains on My Purple Car's Tires

Greetings from snow-buried Spokane, Washington!

This area has been reamed by a snow storm today that will be followed by arctic temperatures in the days to come. In fact, snow has been falling so rapidly, so much so, that when I went out for my run at five this morning, inches of snow lay on the ground with 10 to 12 more to come, and the warmest of temperatures of the day began to chill at this early hour. Realizing that my charitable Goddess activities could only benefit the greater good of the Universe, I knew in my gut that I needed to make sure that my purple office/studio/study/library-on-wheels-depending-on-what-I-am-using-it-for car was ready for snow, ice, and slippery conditions. So in the midst of it all, putting aside my other humbling yet noble activities, I thought I should take a few moments to educate and empower my beloved community by sharing how I have been able continue my important Goddess work despite the wintery weathered winter weather in a Dare to Repair Your Car Guide, Do-It-Herself Guide (Julie Sussman& Stephaine Glakas-Tenet) manner.

Okay, I know what you are thinking…that purple cars do better in snow, and why would I need chains on my tires since not only do I drive a purple car, but a purple-in-a-glittery-eggplant color?! Yes, purple cars DO do better in snow, much like how dark blue navy cars do better in rainy weather, black cars (especially ones with darkened windows) are better in espionage work, and red cars are inherently faster…although I am not sure why. On a four-lane highway, place a red car (in various shades, no less) next to my glittery eggplant purple car…or anyone else’s blue, white, black, or grey… and the red car’s 30, 35, even 55 miles per hour is simply faster than our comparable 30, 35, even 55 miles per hour. I can’t explain it, much like how I can’t explain how I simply cannot use the Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, or Borders’ Kobo. Because of my addiction to books, I am told often and frequently that these wireless readers are perfect for me and that I can carry my current reads of AT LEAST five books or more of fiction, nonfiction, poetry, cozy mystery, and interpreting research easily and without the Rachel Ray technique of carrying everything in the precarious balance from refrigerator to cupboards to pantry to countertop in one fell, ball-juggling swoop technique that I currently employ. But, I ask you, do these wireless reader thingies have the lovingly yet delicate mutilation of upper and lower corner page folding, and underlining in various colorful pen and pencil sets? And do they have the NEW BOOK SMELL, I ask?!?!

ANYWAY. Since I am practically the only eggplant purple car on the road, I must protect the community of other non-purple-car drivers AND continue my charitable Goddess activities by staying on the road…which means I NEED (not want) chains on my tires. Which brings me to my next edifying Trampoline Jumping for 40-Year-Old Women series post: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires.

Step One: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires

I first make sure that my eggplant purple car is on firm, level ground, away from the flow of traffic with my emergency brake set.

Step Two: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires

Looking at the pictures (not necessarily at the directions since I have already established that I am not good at reading instruction manuals), I then unroll the cable chain on the ground next to the front tires and position the end hooks toward the front of my purple car’s tire.

Step Three: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires

I then drape the cable chain over my tires so that the smooth side of the hook thingie is against my front wheel tires.

Step Four: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires

I then make the connection by pushing the cable’s thread thingie through the hook thingie. I hop in my purple car several times to turn my front tires this way and that several times so that I can make the connections on the inside part of the tire as well as the outside part of the tire, thread thingie by hook thingie and thread thingie by hook thingie.

Step Five: Putting Chains on My Purple Car’s Tires

Lastly, I drive my eggplant purple car forward one car length forward, hop out, then realize I have gone too far, hop back in, back up a bit, hop out, then hop back in to move forward a tad so that I can firmly tighten my thread thingies and hook thingies. My instructions tell me that my thread and hook thingies should not differ by one metal bushing thingie, and since three of four are past four thingies and one is at three, I am satisfied.

Chains on the Tires of My Purple Car in Snow through BlackBerry Viewfinder not on Binoculars

Goddess Bumper Sticker on Purple Car with Chains in Snow through BlackBerry Viewfinder also not on Binoculars

So, in conclusion, like the answer of YES to your question of can we spray paint our Xmas trees purple, I say YES! We can, as 40-Year-Old Trampoline Jumping Goddesses, put chains on our tires for Winter driving! But once again, I have some wise remarks of wisdom to impart before you begin and as you once again, don your purple Goddess apron for yet another worthy endeavor.

Do be sure to, on the first day in Summer when the temperatures hit 100 degrees Fahrenheit, walk into Napa Auto Supply Store, or any auto supply store in your area, and, standing tall with your colorful sundress and jewelry and glitter, proudly announce that you wish to buy tire snow chains.

Don’t forget to remember the make and model of your vehicle. While it makes perfect sense in the world of the Goddess, when asked the make and model of your vehicle, to simply answer “PURPLE!” (because there is no substitute to the purple passion of certain people…namely the Goddesses)…to those who think within the box, this will only confuse the people-who-work-at-Napa-Auto-Supply-Store people.

Do remember to ingest your distance-running power gel as you expend energy hopping in and out of your car, turning your steering wheel this way and that, over and over again, and over and over again, as you try to find the perfect angle in which to attach the inner thingies to each other on your tires.

Don’t feel badly when you utter words spelled in the characters @#$%^&*()-=+ as you expend energy hopping in and out of your car, turning your steering wheel this way and that, over and over again, over and over again, as you try to find the perfect angle in which to attach the inner thingies to each other on your tires. Do remember that this is a most challenging endeavor.

Like when wandering the farmers’ market or spray painting your Xmas tree purple, don’t be alarmed by the stares of those who drive by as you, in pigtails and apron covered running clothes madly hop in and out of your car, turning your steering wheel this way and that, over and over again, over and over again, dusted by snow. Once again, they are AGAIN responding to your pulsating aura of spy-like international intrigue and admiring how you continue to honor your gut while they wish they had the aura and courage themselves, knowing that both are well beyond their reach.

Do fill spray bottles filled with purple water color paint and madly spray paint the trees and bushes in your yard, following the wisdom dispensed in Trampoline Jumping for 40-Year-Old Women, the Saga Continues, Spray Painting My Xmas Tree Purple, post, accessed at the bottom of The Moth’s label Trampoline Jumping for 40-Year-Old Women.

So, once again, empowered community, don’t forget to be well, do good work, and keep in touch, and let not inclement weather get in the way of your proud yet honorable and humble work as Goddesses. I, too, shall follow this advice as I return to my own important work. Although now that I think of it, I am wondering if I should have spray painted my tire chains purple…hmmmm…maybe next time…now THAT is an intriguing thought…

GL, 12/29/2010. Prevail.

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