Monday, February 18, 2013

Journal Entry, February 16, 20-lucky-13, First Run, Brain-bleed AND med free run

Five Miles and Eight Blocks.

I have been tapering my anti-seizure Keppra meds since my EEG showed no seizure activity.

The results from my last CT scan showed that my brain bleed was gone, but my neurosurgeons wanted me to take one last EEG test to see about possible seizure activity. Which was fine…until I learned what I had to do prior to the EEG. The scheduler (in a much too perky voice) told me that I needed to stay awake ‘til midnight and awaken at four in the morning. Plus, NO COFFEE. “We want your brain stressed and you to be sleep deprived!” she happily said. 

To which I maturely responded, “BOOOOO!” I just couldn’t convince them that all I had to do was think about 20-Effing-12 and I could accomplish both, eezy peezy as a breaze.

I made it to midnight, but because of anxiety, I couldn’t get to sleep until two. And then I awoke at four-ish. And dry heaved and dry heaved. I felt so sick. It was bile awful.

And the results, after waiting four days…A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH…and me, WICKEDLY WICKED HAPPY. I could taper my Keppra for four weeks. So yesterday was my first day without my meds. Yet I was nervous without that Keppra safety net, as from the start of those headaches to this day totals 5 ½ months. I couldn't go run. Tomorrow, I told myself. Tomorrow, I will run at Manito Park. 

I am recognizing and learning my anxiety triggers. Triggers that were important for me to pay attention during this journey. My neurosurgeons needed this information as we were making decisions as to operate or not to operate. It was a neuro path well travelled, grass trampled…and needed to be. But I have prevailed. And as Goddess Jamie reminded me, “Girl, you’ve got this!”

I’ve also realized that the routes I walked need to be abandoned for a season. All I remember on those routes is how f#@king scared I was. My Sherpa/therapist says, “Wait. Wait for the next season. Wait for Spring”…(as I am ultra sensitive to the seasons)…then revisit.”

I shall.

And trust that my nightmares are diminishing in frequency and severity…and will continue to do so.

So I’ve bit my little finger (that would become numb like I’ve never experienced and was the first episode symptom) a little bit, okay, a lot more in the past few days to make sure that I’ve prevailed.

I am remembering that the grass is regrowing on my neurological path of worry and scaredness…and that I am LEAPING FEARLESSLY into 20-Lucky-13.

And today, I jogged…no, actually, fearlessly RAN five miles and eight blocks.

What Makes Me Wickedly Wicked Happy

I am now totally and completely obsessed with all things brains and skulls.

And still, those brain earrings! Thank you, Rouly! LOVE!

The comfort of tea.

Walking in the middle of Manito Park’s frozen duck pond.

Ordering a Taco Bell Veggie Cantina Bowl with extra cilantro dressing…at theJack-in-the-Box’s drive through. BRILLIANT. I know!

I’m gonna get my third tattoo in 20-lucky-13! I’m not sure what and where, but I am leaning towards a crow/raven on my ankle/lower leg. Although I’m told that because my legs are skinny, it will HURT. (As much as a brain bleed, I wonder?)

Taht it doen’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod aepapr, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit pobelrm.

J Goddess telling me that, yes, I sparkle and fly, and yet sometimes, I just need to hold on. Thank you.

I’m TOTALLY invested in the naming of Pluto’s moons. Check it out…

The farmers’ market is only a couple of months away!

My nightmares are diminishing in severity and frequency. And I’m gonna not need to bite my finger as much.

And time. That time heals. The grass in my path WILL regrow.

2/16/2013, PBBG (Prevailing Brain Bleed Goddess). Prevail.

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