The Way of the Moth: Journal entry, March 20, 2013, Revisiting

A Spring Equinox Ritual.

4-ish miles.

As I saw that rain was pouring heavily outside my window when I awoke this morning, I crossed my fingers, closed my eyes tightly, and wished real hard that the rain would fall tomorrow as I thought tomorrow was the Spring Equinox. But as I started my pre-run ritual of coffee and The Writer’s Almanac, I realized that the day I have been anticipating (with a tad sense of nervousness) was today.

I know I am med free and brain bleed free, but I am realizing that this experience has affected me deeply at my core. Case in point, when I got the release to run and I started to revisit the routes that I have run for years, then walked, I found myself ANXIOUS. Nervous. Wanting to dry heave. I was reliving how I felt during those walks when I didn’t know what my brain was gonna do.

As I processed this with my Sherpa therapist, I realized that although the route itself was not DANGER, what it represented, was. And upon his advice, I agreed. Wait ‘til the new season, then revisit. Revisit those routes. Give it a try. TIME.

I thought that day was tomorrow. I thought I had one more day to prepare.

Instead, it was today.

And yet, though unexpected, it felt perfect.

My dreams have been full of nightmares. Nightmares where I am hit on the head. Nightmares where my head hurts like in ways that has me holding my head, rocking, fear dominating. Nightmares where I wake up, drink water, and go back to sleep. Only to return to the nightmare as though it was a Law & Order show I DVR-ed and paused to grab some snacks, only to hit the play button again.

But last night, my dreams were full of water (so refreshing…drinking water, swimming and wading in water, taking candlelit baths) and sleep. I felt great.

So when I realized that TODAY is the Spring Equinox, that it is a new Season, that it was wickedly raining, I was wickedly wicked happy to run. I decided that I wouldn’t wear my purple wool hat with flower and that I would not pull my hair into the pigtails I like. I would keep my hair down, drenched, as though I was showering for a new day…being baptized to a new phase.

So I ran. And as I ran, my head buckled down, I realized that I was not buckling down in fear but in wind. And the wind tears and tears tears mixed with the rain on my face. Cuz I think some of the tears were tear tears. (Chemically, they are different…who knew!)

And I gotta be honest. I did almost heave a couple of times. And I realized that I still need more time.

But I will get there. It is a new Season.

And National Poetry Month is less than two weeks away.

I’m totally wickedly wicked happy.

I’m gonna run the same route tomorrow.

After all, it is a new Season.

Things that Make Me Wickedly Wicked Happy

Water.

Water in the form of tea.

Tea, tea, tea.

The water of Manito’s duck pond that, when frozen, I walked across cuz I couldn’t run.

New running shoes…I wore out my last pair when I walked (over that pond). Lovin’ the pink!

The carafe of ice water at the Thai restaurant that overlooks the Spokane River as I celebrated my Spring Equinox run.

The view of water from that Thai restaurant.

Coconut milk and mushroom soup from that restaurant.

Full rainbows during thunder and lightning and water storms as the Sun tries to peek through.

Spring, in the form of pink flowers and storms.

My Goddess Gatherings.

And a new journal to honor a new Season.

Montgomery, Alabama.

My new tattoo design, gifted to me by a Goddess. It shall be my third tattoo…YAY…20-lucky-13! I think it shall go on the outside of my left leg. Can you see my brain as the treetop, growing from a seed with a Celtic-like tree trunk? I adore it…I’m thinking May…

The Spring Equinox in 20-lucky-13. And reclaiming my running routes.

Wait, I AM reclaiming my running routes. (Yes, I am.)

I am wickedly wicked happy.